Tag Archives: career

Engage and Evade: The dangerous personality dance of Extraversion- iNtuition and Introversion-Sensing

danceNote: a basic knowledge of Psychological Type as measured by the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is required to get the most from this article.

I found myself in a familiar dynamic in which I’ve danced for all of my fifty+ years. I was having an e-chat conversation with my good friend Tim about an upcoming party we were holding together.

Out of the blue, the phrase, “We’ll just have to agree to disagree” appeared on my screen. I’d heard him say this before, and agree that sometimes, it is a necessary conclusion. But, I was not even clear on what the issues were that we were either agreeing or disagreeing about, and now the discussion was over! I was shocked.

I communicated (in cryptic e-chat) my desire to explore this some more. We attempted to continue the conversation to clarify what it was that we were agreeing to disagree about. This continued for a few more minutes, with volleys back and forth through the ether. Finally we agreed that we had different values about the issue and that we could accept that. But the process left a painful lingering stain on the relationship.

I phoned my mentor, Dan, in California, looking for someone to support my point of view. He provided the opposite, telling me how my dogged pursuits of keeping this discussion open (my ‘N’ and ‘P’, you think?) showed that I was oblivious to Tim’s (ISTJ) need for closure and self-protection. And that Tim took my wanting to explore it as trying to convince him to do it my way! Thanks a load Dan, for poking me in the forehead to help me see my part in the control aspect of this dance. If only I’d learned this 30 years ago!!

While I was licking my wounds, the pattern emerged for me. I’ve seen this struggle a hundred times. I’ve seen this between my parents (ENTP and ISTP), with numerous clients (many of whom have EN or IS preferences), and with my lovely bride of ten years and myself, (ISFP and ENFP). It is the dance of those preferring Extraversion and Intuition (EN) with those who prefer Introversion and Sensing (IS)! While the other two Type dimensions are surely in play, I’m certain that this dynamic is common and significant.

How it plays out.
Take the fictitious parties of (IS) Isabel, who prefers introversion and sensing and Enrico, who prefers Extraversion and Intuition (EN).

Some issue of potential disagreement arises; it could be anything, whether to hire an applicant, how so spend some money, who should come to the party, and so on. The two briefly exchange their opinions.

In short order the facts and conclusion are crystal clear to ISabel and she seeks to end the discussion. She has had enough and sees no need for any ‘excessive bantering’ to continue. In her mind, the thing is done and there is no need to make a mountain of a molehill. She says something like, “that’s enough”, or “we’ll have to agree to disagree”. Or, ISabel says nothing at all and just proceeds to getting busy with other things.

The quick clarity and finality of the conclusion that ISabel found are not present for ENrico. Rather, he has something else in mind and is hoping to create a different, if yet unformed solution. The abrupt ending of the discussion shocks ENrico and disrespects his inborn desires to talk, explore and process. He is inflamed! He continues to engage ISabel in the discussion, pushing harder (like a pit-bull in her view) for interaction and additional ideas. She withdraws, refuses or acquiesces.

The relationship is in danger. The risks of this dance are familiar and can damage personal, work and intimate relationships. They can include irritation, hurt, anger, and false perceptions about the other person. These reactions impact trust and the tone of future communications, if not downright avoidance of them. The dynamic can even be responsible for ending the relationship.

How can we make this dance work?

Reflect on past dances we have done and consider how this may have played a part. Recognize our own biases and needs and do our best to let go of our need to prevail. Do our best to understand the needs and biases of the other and to satisfy them, rather than change them. Remember that our way is not the only way, and our answer is not the only one. Choose our battles carefully and fight them thoughtfully. Express what we need and what we want from the heart, including our fears and discomforts, so that we stimulate compassion in the other, rather than competition. Lastly, we can realize our own and the other’s strengths and limits with regard to taking steps to heal the relationship and be willing to extend the hand of invitation to rebuild it.

If we are to dance, then we should both enjoy it!

You can’t see what you haven’t seen…

The times wore heavily on Tim’s face. Like many of us, he feels trapped. He is happy to have a paycheck in this tough economic year. However, his spirit is sapped by the limits placed upon him by the organization. A senior manager, he’s been told, in not so subtle ways, that he needs to pull back his goals. His ideas for improvement are not welcomed at this time and this place.

Given Tim’s significant experience, training and talent, I suggested that other organizations would welcome his creativity and drive, and that he might want to start ‘looking around’. Perhaps a place that is younger, smaller, not so set in its ways. There must be a company that really seeks to evolve, to get to the front of the pack, to build its culture in a pro-active and profitable direction.

“This is the only corporate experience I’ve known,” he told me. Given his lack of other experience, Tim couldn’t imagine that a business exists that would welcome his talents and vision. He could only see that everywhere was like where he was. I was shocked that he was stuck like this. Over the years we’ve worked together, I’ve developed a great respect for Tim’s abilities. But under the current circumstances, he has lost his ‘mojo’. He is trapped by his view of his circumstances, and the nagging self-doubt that has grown from the steady drumbeat of rejection in the job. It’s as though the company learned too well from Nancy Reagan’s “Just say no.”

Tim is the face of a challenge many people, including leaders in organizations are dealing with. In the last six weeks, I’ve heard this pattern from four different people, at various levels, ages, colors and indifferent industries and businesses. When we haven’t seen something else, and haven’t experienced it, we easily fall into a rut. A rut, someone has said, is just a grave with the ends kicked out.

So we give up, and put up, and our talents and excitement wither on the vine. What to do? If you are in this pickle, look for inspiration and encouragement.  Talk to people, get out of your box.  Use the Internet.  In the career management field, we recognize that folks lose sight of their unique gifts, simply because they come easily to them. We forget that there are organizations and people that value what we do, and would be happy to bring us aboard to add competitive advantage to their business. But we forget that.

If you are a leader, you’ll want to pay attention to this phenomenon in your people and find ways to re-engage them. You can ask, “How is our organization throwing a wet blanket on the initiative and creativity of our contributors?” Heck, you can even ask them directly, although they may be shy to answer truthfully. Then work to modify the structures, processes and behaviors that cause the problem.

Is this type of leadership easy? Not always, and not for everyone. Does it pay dividends through increased retention, morale and productivity? You bet it does.